a compilation of lies,useless information, bad jokes & little poems
When HE says:
"It's a guy thing." Translation: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Translation: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"It would take too long to explain." Translation: "I have no idea how it works."
Adult turkeys have more than 3,500 feathers.
hoarse whisperer
coarse prophet
blind seer
When HE says:
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Translation: "The batteries in theremote are dead."
"We're going to be late." Translation: "Now I have an excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, sweetness, you're working too hard." Translation: "I can't hear the game over noise of the vacuum cleaner."
With an estimated population of 40 million, there are more than twice as many kangaroos as people in Australia.
centipede
moss face of stone
eyelashes
When HE says:
"You know how bad my memory is." Translation: "I remember the words to
the theme song of "The Adams’ Family," the address of the first girl I dated, the license plate number of every car I've ever owned but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you & bought these roses." Translation: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe & wearing a thong."
Dancing to the "Star-Spangled Banner" is against the law in several American states.
Mary J
television
control
a compilation of lies, useless information, bad jokes & little poems
A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to demonstrate his decision making ability & decided to take action to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facility, he noticed a young guy leaning against the wall. The room was full of workers & he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall & asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
A bit taken aback, the young man looked at him & replied, “I make $400 a week. Why?'
The CEO then handed him $1,600 in cash and ordered tersely, “Here's four weeks' pay, now get the hell out of here & don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about his tirade, the CEO looked around the room and asked, ”Would someone like to tell me what that goof-off did here?'
A voice from across the room twittered, “Yeah, he's the delivery guy from Domino's Pizza.
A grasshopper can leap over obstacles 500 times its own height. In relation to its size, it has the greatest jumping ability of all creatures.
sun stroking
umbrella
tattoo
pain
Officer to driver going the wrong way up a one way street, "And where do you think you are going?"
Driver: - "I'm not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is coming back."
The first issue of "LIFE" magazine debuted in 1936. Its cover showed a doctor slapping a baby on the butt. The caption read, "LIFE begins." The magazine sold for 10 cents an issue.
see monkey
instant coffee
vision
a compilation of lies, useless information, bad jokes & little poems
Virus Warnings:
New World Order virus: Likely harmless, but it makes a lot of people angry just thinking about it.
Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Texas virus: Determined to be bigger than any other file.
Adam and Eve virus: Liable to take a byte out of your Apple.
A minimum of 100,000 different chemical reactions occur in the normal human brain every second.
hinge philosophy
stone garden
worm bed
Two roofers, Larry and Moe, were on the roof laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind knocked down their ladder. “I have an idea” said Larry. “I’ll toss you down & you can set up the ladder.” “You think, I’m stupid? “I have a better idea” said Joe. “I’ll shine my flashlight & you can climb down on the beam of light.”
“No way!“ Larry said, “You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway down.”
The historic notebooks in which Marie and Pierre Curie recorded their experiments on radium nearly a century ago are still radioactive.
quarter centuries
generations
father
son
grandson
Heart attack anyone?
If you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to finally have this information after all the conflicting nutritional studies.
A: Japanese eat very little fat & suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
B: Mexicans eat a lot of fat & suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
C: Chinese drink very little red wine & suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
D: Italians drink a lot of red wine & suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
E: Germans drink a lot of beer & eat lots of sausages & fats. They suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
SO…. Eat & drink whatever & as much as you like. Speaking English seems to be the cause of heart attacks.
A mother giraffe often gives birth while standing. The newborn's first experience outside the womb is a 6 foot drop to the ground.
bite me once
swat down
shoo fly
A man and a woman were guests at a party. They had been eyeing each other all night. The man made the first move. He approached the woman and asked, "Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?"
"Yes, I would!" the woman exclaimed.
The man continued, "Would you have sex with me for a dollar?"
"I would not!" cried the shocked woman, "What kind of woman do you think I am?"
"I've already established that," the man said. "Now I'm just trying to get you to settle on a price."
Dogs do not sweat by salivating.
They sweat through the pads of their feet.
face book
internet
leg irons
a compilation of lies,useless information, bad jokes & little poems
At the local Hebrew School, the rabbi finished the day's instruction. It was time for the usual question & answer period.
"Rabbi," asked a boy, "there's something I need to know."
"What's that, child?" asked the rabbi.
"According to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Yes."
"The Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Mmm.. yes."
"The Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Right again."
"The Children of Israel fought the Egyptians & the Children of Israel fought the Romans & the Children of Israel were always busy & doing something important, right?"
"These things are true," agreed the rabbi. "So what's your question?"
"What I’d like to know," said the boy, "Is, what were all the grown-ups doing?"
In Victorian times it was considered bad luck to sign a Valentine's Day card.
lymph nodes
critical
mass communication
the big C
When HE says:
"That's interesting, honey," he’s probably thinking, "Are you still talking?"
"Darling, we don't need material things to prove our love," a distinct possibility: "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me," translates to: “You want me to stay awake."
"This is a great movie," means: "It's loaded with guns, knives, violence, fast cars, & nude women."
An ant can lift 50 times its own weight, pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
cottontails
bunny hop
roadkill
cauldron
The lion tamer led his young apprentice into the cage. “The first thing to remember,” said the older man, “is that if a lion jumps at you, reach behind you & throw something at it.”
“And what do I do if there’s nothing to throw?”
The lion tamer said, “If a lion jumps at you, there always will be.”
Tardigrades (also known as Water bears) can live in droplets of water on plants.
If the water they live in evaporates, they lose water too and go into a deep sleep. A little water is all it takes for them to spring back to life. Tardigrades have
been know to return to life after periods
of more than 100 years.
car doors slam
thunder
lights on/off/on
lightning
When HE says:
"I can't find it," he means: "It didn't fall into my hands so I don’t have a clue."
"That's women's work," translates to:
"It's a dirty, difficult & thankless task."
"Will you marry me?" maybe: "My roommates have moved out. I can't find the laundry room & I’m out of groceries.”
Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
bark ‘n dust
spirit dog
devil dancing
a compilation of lies,
useless information,
bad jokes &
little poems
Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today is liable to burn your butt tomorrow.
The average human body has enough carbon to make 900 pencils
(that ain’t write;-)
ground staring
wing shadows
moth dream
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do
if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said: "Call for backup."
The first TV show ever to be put into reruns was The Lone Ranger.
marrow dripping
blood bone
dog
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”
One large egg contains 75 calories, 5 grams of
fat and 6.25 grams of protein.
peripheral
penumbra
aura
A man complained to his wife that he was suffering from a stomachache. She suggested he try the pills the Doctor had given
her for a similar pain. After taking the pills for a week the pain was gone but he developed two tender lumps, one behind each ear. He went to the doctor, showed him the lumps, and explained that he
had taken his wife’s medicine.
The doctor shook his head, "You idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen womb. How am I going to get your balls back down?"
The first people known to celebrate birthdays were the ancient Egyptians but only the queen and male members of the royal family were honored. No one bothered recording people's birth dates.
rose is her name
flower
an equal beast
a compilation of lies,useless information,
bad jokes&little poems
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Contrary to popular belief, Daniel Boone did not wear or like coonskin caps.
time out for prayers
they’re digging trenches
television snowstorm
resolute madness
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Female mosquitoes are deaf.
an eye on the storm
shuffling gait
twisted scenario
truth
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the hell happened?'
Elephants can remain standing after they die.
teasing the pickpocket
no crowd control
so help us God money
fresh folding
If the world didn't suck we’d fall off.
Elephants sleep only 2 hours a day.
when praying is preying
man beneath the robe
don’t climb onto the box
willing prisoner
Light travels faster than sound. That's
why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Kangaroos can move as fast as 30 miles per hour and can leap up to 25 feet in
the air.
we police ourselves
1-800-snitch
you ain’t no bargain basement
small wonder price we pay
A Sunday school teacher asked class as they were on the way to church service, "Why must we be quiet in church?" A
little girl piped up, "Because people are sleeping."
There are more than 500 million domestic cats in the world, 33 different breeds.
sun-stripes through the fence
zebras lying
under trees
a compilation of lies, useless information, bad jokes & little poems
The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
A sexually aroused feline may try to seduce a dog.
there are more white cars
China is down under
kangaroos are not
whiskey men philosophers
Support bacteria. It’s the only culture some people have.
A toad eats around 10,000 insects each summer.
the angel risks
imagination
shoestring around her throat
progression of aims
If believe in psycho-kinesis, please raise my hand.
One ounce of the material that constitutes a spider’s web could stretch 2,000 miles.
don’t hold me up
sharpen your whistle
lay down your weapons
anticipate this
So what's the speed of dark?
A sperm whale’s brain can weigh up to 20 pounds. The human brain weighs 3 pounds. Why do they let humans call them that?
little man is unbelted
we got laws to prove you
three times protector
bullet in the brain
Would the ocean be deeper without sponges?
Tongue prints are as unique as fingerprints.
Why is it spelled that way?
ain’t no wax dummy
there are porcelain lips
who sing the heart song
we are too sick to beg
Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If healthy, the hair of an adult human should stretch 25 percent of its length without breaking.
she would rather walk
paddle canoe oar else
come fathom the morrow
we is in too deep
At the end of the day when the police officer parked her police van in front of the station. As she gathered her equipment, her K-9 partner, Fred, started barking. She noticed saw a small boy staring in at her. “You got a dog back there?” he asked. “Sure do,” she replied. Confused, the boy asked her, “What did the dog do?”
Ninety percent of all volcanic activity occurs in oceans. In 1993 scientists located the largest known concentration of active volcanoes on the sea floor in the South Pacific. This area, the size of New York State, has 1,133 volcanic cones and sea mounts. Two or three could
erupt at any moment.
we slept in a roadhouse
the moon is at seven
with some consideration
a sharing of wounds
Working for an organization that delivered lunches to elderly shut-ins, the lady was able to take her 5-year-old son on afternoon rounds. He was intrigued by the various equipment of old age. One day his mom found him staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a jar. She
braced herself for the inevitable barrage of questions. Her son simply looked up and whispered, “The tooth fairy ain’t gonna believe this!”
About 3% of pet owners in the U.S. give Valentine's Day gifts to their pets.
raccoons crossing the yard
he & the wife drank tea
her personal favorite
what her children don’t know
A day without sunshine is like night.
1949, Crusader Rabbit, aired -
first made-for-TV animated cartoon.
clamor of legion
awaiting window
wooden never bored
phat pulpit dancers
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Flying snake of Java flattens itself out ribbon-like, glides from tree to tree.
he was eight parts wisdom
the rest must come before
a howling of madmen
presumptuous creed
|
RSS Feed