~chapter one~

She was third born in a litter of five pups that warm May morning in Northern California.  She was big-boned just like her father, Jett.  Jett’s mistress, Mary, loved him dearly.  She often looked out the back door of her home to see him standing in the near woods that bordered her property.  He appeared majestic to her, every bit the North American Timber Wolf in her eyes.  He was a long-haired German Shepherd, purebred, papers going back for generations.  Mary made an arrangement to sire him out.  For her part she would be given pick of the litter.

When the puppies were born, there was no doubt in Mary’s mind as to whom her pick would be.  The size of the puppy’s paws, huge and out of proportion to its body, captured the discerning woman’s attention.  When the litter was weaned Mary took her puppy home to meet Jett.  She was taken aback, a bit surprised, when he refused to accept his daughter at first.  He sniffed her from one end to the other, shook his shaggy head, then returned to the thin woods, his place amongst the trees.

The little girl was terrified.  While Jett was poking and sniffing at her with his nose she put her head down and pressed her body against the wall of Mary’s back porch.  Her bushy tail held low, she watched closely as Jett left the porch and disappeared, stiff-legged, into the trees. 

“Look at you, poor puppy,” Mary said.  She scratched the pup behind its ears, kissed the top of its head.  “You’re beautiful,” she crooned lowly, “Perfect markings, your mask and the top of your ears, tan and black, just perfect.”  Mary gathered the big puppy up in her arms and sat on the porch rocking her back and forth.  “You’re my princess,” she said softly, “I’m going to call you Talah.”

Talah whimpered, sounded almost like a baby crying. “I know, I know,” Mary whispered in her ear.  “You miss your mother and don’t remember your daddy, Jett.  Don’t worry, he’ll come around.”

Mary wasn’t so sure about that.  Jett’s behavior confused her.  She had supposed he would recognize his daughter immediately by scent, at the very least understand that she was one of his kind and needed him.  A proud and solitary animal, he tolerated other creatures, Mary’s son’s dogs and her cat in particular but preferred to be alone.  Mary led the puppy to a corner of the porch where she had constructed a bed out of old towels and what-not.  Talah groaned and laid her head down when Mary went inside.

Jett watched it all from the cover of the trees.  He was conscious of Mary’s every move, her comings and goings.  There was a bed on the porch for him next to the one Mary had made for the pup.  He seldom slept there, preferring to stay in the lair he had made for himself deep in the trees.  He went there now to lie down, his ears keen to Mary’s movements in the house and the pup’s whimpering.  Later, when he was sure they were both asleep, he went through the perimeter fence, deeper into the California woods to hunt.

Early the next day, Mary awoke and busied herself with her morning ritual of toast and coffee.  A bumping sound from the back porch reminded her of the puppy.  She tip-toed across the room and peeked out the window.  She hoped to see Jett and the pup together.  “Oh my,” she gasped.  Her hands fumbled with the lock on the door.

Mary was terrified at what she saw when she stepped onto the porch.  The puppy’s rag bed was torn to shreds.  She was lying in the middle of the mess, her face and head matted with blood.  “Oh no,” Mary sighed, “Jett, you didn’t.” 

The puppy whined and Mary was both relieved and distressed.  It was alive but bloody and crying.  She rushed into the kitchen and returned presently with a bucket of warm water and clean towels from the bathroom.  The puppy was waiting at the door for her, its tail wagging and head cocked to one side.  Her hands full, Mary nudged the door open with a foot.  The puppy walked gingerly to its torn up bed and lay down.  It began gnawing on something amongst the bloody rags.

Mary dipped a towel in the warm water and bent to the task of cleaning the blood from Talah’s face.  She worked slowly at first, careful and gentle, expecting with each wipe to find an open wound.  The pup nuzzled her hand and nipped playfully at her.  It jumped up unexpectedly and knocked over the pail of water.  “Silly girl,” Mary said, a perplexed look on her face. 

“Jett,” Mary said under her breath.  She rummaged through the mess of the puppy’s bed and found an animal bone.  “Here puppy, here Talah,” she crooned in a singing voice, picking up the bone and offering it to the dog.  “Your daddy brought you a present last night, didn’t he?”

Talah accepted the bone.  She sat there with it in her mouth, studying Mary with her intelligent and inquisitive puppy eyes.  She whimpered a bit, set the bone on the floor of the porch, and lay down next to it. 

“Well, sweety, you sure gave me a fright,” Mary said as she sat down next to Talah and worked at washing the blood away.  She was startled by the sound of the screen door opening behind her.

“Ma, what happened?  What’s all that blood?  Are you okay?”  Her twenty-year-old son, Jimmy, stood there, concern and worry evident on his face and in the tone of his voice.”

“I picked the puppy up at the breeder yesterday,” Mary explained.  “Looks like Jett dragged something home last night.  That’s where all the blood seems to have come from, thank goodness!”

Jimmy knelt down and examined the pup.  “She’s the spitting image of Jett when he was a puppy.”

“Look at the size of those legs and feet,” Mary said, pointing a finger at Talah.  “And her markings, they’re perfect.  She’ll be a whole lot prettier than her daddy.”  She paused a moment, glanced inquisitively at her son.  “I didn’t hear you drive in.  Shouldn’t you be at work?”

Jimmy scratched Talah behind the ears.  “I got laid off, Ma, haven’t worked for a couple of weeks.  I’m about to lose my apartment.”

“Help me get some food and water for this little girl,” Mary sighed, “Then we’ll go in and talk over coffee while I get ready for work.

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~my sons’ guitars~
~play through me in waves~
~they are my life quest~
~our music~
~making more of me than I am~
~feels pretty damned good~
~just for a minute~
~seems like everything is okay~
~then I come back to earth~
~take a quick look around~
~ah hell it ain’t~

~Haunting Me~

~thinkin’ ‘bout endings
~about going away
~unanswered questions
~they are promises broken
~they are lies left unspoken
~they are haunting me

~down in the city
~‘round a fire left burning
~flames of society
~maybe hands in a prayer
~maybe blood of the slayer
~maybe haunting me~


~round in the chamber~
~a far random target~
~bullets come tumbling~
~surely messengers running~
~surely vengeance forthcoming~

~surely haunting me~


~death on a thimble~
~we been taking it easy~
~any way we can get it~
~on a fast road to nowhere~
~on a death horse we go there~
~on a haunting me~

~lady~
~you are~
~a vision of Sunday~
~a river of falling~
~a chant in the evening~
~a dry well of wanting~
~the church of my haunting~
~church of my haunting~
~church of my haunting me~

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Tom (WordWulf) Sterner©

 
 
~he wears dentures~
~his feet hurt~
~refuses invasive surgery~
~to replace his parts~
~ghost clouds in his eyes~
~pequot~

~the dog is rascally~
~out of sorts~
~makes him wish~
~he had two bullets~

~tossed overboard~
~fish dreams~
~pitch a bitch~

~tiny breeze~
~fringe on her hat~
~eyelashes~

~internet~
~router~
~half-hitch knot~

~smiling dog~
~air conditioner~
~hat trick~

~coffee cup~
~bubbling brook~
~jelly beans~

~ostriches~
~a sailor’s death~
~land ho!~

~two bugs dining~
~one on one~
~one bug~

~caterpillar~
~winged fishes~
~sailing~

~herds~
~wal~mart~
~campout

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~singing in the loft~
~balcony~
~feathers dripping dew~
~& doo on you~
~wings fluttering~
~talons grasping~
~a circling retreat~
~dive of vengeance~
~masters of survival~
~reptilian spore~
~lizard wings wizard~
~tongue in beak cawing~
~dripping aeon~
~a limbing gasp~
~egg fertilization~

~Birds I View~


~whomever hears a choir~
~must needs long for noel~
~just so...  those inclined toward~
~the voices of birds~
~listen for spring~
~as one might any day sing~
~yet exalt in the clamor~
~of rich pitch soprano~
~& tenor rising~
~on alto bass legs to soar~
~all ways speak an air of wing~

~there were five this morning~
~whose dark coat raven~
~one more bearer await the pall~
~together badger the hawk~
~make a meal of its prey
~caw, caw, caw the hunter~
~they strut in magnificent jest~
~whose eyes four hundred years~
~they live each & longer even~
~unimpressed by fate~
~scavengers & better for it~

~such are the birds I view~
~gray tongues wagging lament~
~threatening at once to land~
~that the sky would fall~
~to bury its stick pins~
~ebon cloak named night~
~these bits of blue/black~
~lift the mantle & fear not~
~that gone unexplained~
~its quick reason~
~a dark eye bead~
~such are the birds' eye view~

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Tom (WordWulf) Sterner©
Birds I View was published in  Newsletter Inago

 
 
~the salt was flat~
 ~our shadows long~
  ~he is forever~
  ~& taller than me~

~An Other~
  {Father Song}

~standing the shore~
  ~arm around my son~
  ~the Pacific Ocean~
  ~California~
  ~licking our boots~
  ~a long way from Colorado~
  ~his sister~
  ~my daughter~
  ~thousands of miles away~
  ~just there in Hawaii~
  ~heart of earth~
  ~ocean of blood~
  ~veins of universe~
  ~a sweet instrument~
  ~life~

~is it music~
    ~the tide reminded me~
  ~its incessant roar~
  ~falling~
  ~growing~
  ~becoming~
  ~of a power so much~
  ~stronger than myself~
  ~impossible to get my arms around~
  ~yet a reach I was impelled~
  ~to breathe for~
  ~to live for~
  ~to die for~
  ~feet wet~
  ~blood pumping~
  ~ecstatic~
  ~howling~
  ~a nuance of knowledge~
  ~water sea~
  ~river rivulet~
  ~it is as my children to me~

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  Tom (WordWulf) Sterner©

 
 
~he is fallen hard~
  ~my dearest brother~
  ~tomorrow I follow the trail~
  ~of our Cherokee blood~
  ~from this place~
  ~California~
  ~to rejoin him~
  ~lend my spirit to his healing~
  ~1400 miles~
  ~to our Colorado~
  ~speak a word if you will~
  ~in his favor~
  ~& mine~

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Tom (WordWulf) Sterner ©
 
 
~My Heaven }Etude)~


~my heaven is escape me~
~my heaven is escape me~
~my heaven is escape me, brother~
~my heaven is a woman~
~my heaven is a suckling child~

~another man’s shame~
~another man’s glory~
~ye-ah~
~my heaven ‘e been gone for a while~


{go out laughing}

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Picture
~Letters from the Monastery of My Heart: II~

~there are times you wake up~
~when you haven’t yet been to sleep~
~lost to the moon’s dictation as tides~
~murder in your blood~
~riding the storm~
~the bad sister’s face in the mirror won’t drop~

~Tempered By the Woman Without~  

Memories call my attention to the moon.  Reluctant to follow my heart so recently exiled to the roam, I stare at a single blind window facing east, imagine mad dogs in the yard, consider the other portal door, icicles’ frigid need to pierce my feet in the night.

My heart is a lonely wanderer.  It listens to the howling voice of winter wind threatening to enter the room.  It was cold the day I left her in the tiny city of the owls.  Wisdom has bitten my love dreams in half.  I am lost in a labyrinth of pain. 

The teacher warned her students, “Beware that your noodle poems do not bite you.”  She knew a man who drowned in the soup of himself.  Photographs are mind whips to the lonely, reminders of that other reality.  I have gathered my tablets in piles, an impenetrable wall of words. 

Digging through papers, a card fell in my lap.  It was a note from my mother begging forgiveness and too late now.  I speak desperately to her box of ashes.  Is it shameful for a man to weep?  There are seven levels of revenge the winds of time disregard. 

There’s the moon I shared with her.  It captures my eyes, draws them through a wintry haze of clouds.  I have stood too long in the yard trapped ‘neath this masque of ice.  Where have they taken my princess, the lightning of our desire.

When eyes close and hands reach, what nimble creatures of habit they are, open on empty and holding without.  Their disappointment is a near-step to misery.  They torture the mind that made them so.  A spirit of darkness invades and slips away with our dreams. 

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Picture

~Poe, Nietzsche, Morrison, Manson loosening the mind nuts~
~raven speaking the dark night~
~Helter Skelter & oh, my damn, the music’s over here~
~goodnight my lady this~ 

 ~Letters from the Monastery of My Heart: I~
~Confirmation of Darkness~  

Monkish, I am a monkey starving in the limbs of a barren tree watching the ape community thriving on the lush jungle of life, unwilling, unable to join them, surviving by consuming vermin crawling through the skin of my brain. 

There is a tin man howling whose body is a whistle stop where blackbirds rest and cackle, dance across his stiff arms, make sport of his scarecrow appearance.  I scatter seeds on the ground to get them off me.

A continuum of negativity has swallowed my universe, beginning with naked parents and the poor rags of their death.  My lady’s kisses have been taken, carried away in strongboxes, offered free to strangers. 

Struggling to find a peace of ground, running bare-skinned through a snowfield, my spirit howls out to the gods seeking confirmation of destiny, its voice singing a litany handed down from the cradleboard in chains, the slave camp of my being.

If not for the glad-song of my children I might swallow the carpet nails of life, sing a rasping, gushing blood-song, allow myself the strength and release of weakness.  Yet do they sustain me, demand with the purity of their love that I stand diminished, love them unconditionally.

She met me in a lightning storm, captured, ran away with my heart.  Years grind our dearest dreams to dust.  They become clouds to confuse and confound us.  A poor lover, I struggle desperately to recapture what were, perhaps, only thoughts of a blind man who believed for a moment he could see. 

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Picture
~I’m real~
~I’m human~
~but I’m not an ordinary man~
~no no no~
~Jim Morrison~

~does the hellbound howl at you?~
~Nietzsche~

~you haven't got long~
~before you are all going to kill yourselves~
~Charles Manson~

~thus I  pacified Psyche & kissed her~
~Poe~

~Jesus is the bomb~
~do you see him~
~WordWulf~  

Picture
                          ~Situated Western/Saving Grace~  

Western didn’t wake up this morning.  We stayed up drinking last night, him and me.  I’ve begun to wonder if the Saturday morning head is worth the Friday night slaking of a thirst stacked up, day to day, during the week.  Maybe I’m getting old.  Maybe I’ve had enough.

Western was funny last night though.  He had me laughing my ass off one minute and crying the next.  He tells the funniest damned stories then starts talking about his wife and kids.  No matter what he’s thinking or doing, his family is always a background conversation running through his mind.  At least that’s how he explained it to me.

Man was I pissed when they told me I was going to be stuck on this outpost with that crazy old man.  He’s forty-two for Christ’s sake!  I didn’t sign up in this man’s army to babysit some guy with two of his fingers missing and a head full of rain.

Now I know better.  I’m just a dumb-assed kid.  The old man covered my ass, even saved it a couple of times the past month or so here in no man’s land.  Last night, after we finished off the booze, Western hugged me, told me I was his saving grace, that hanging out with me was like spending time with one of his own sons.  He made me promise that, if anything happened to him over here, I’d go to his family and tell them everything was okay with him.  His boys are around my age and he’s glad they’re not here.  I don’t know what makes him think I could explain any of this shit to them, crazy old man.

That’s a hug I’ll never forget.  Western knew things and didn’t mind sharing once he tested your mettle and found you worthy of his teaching.  I guess that was his gift.  Knowing I don’t know enough just might see me through this thing.  I’m just a dumb-assed kid. 

Some desert dog, shootin’ his ass off son-of-a-bitch, got a lucky round off last night.  He’ll never know he put a hole in a man better than himself, better than any of us, a hole just big enough for that man’s life to leak away into the filthy sand of this bunker while I was sleeping off the whiskey night.  I’m gonna make it.  I can do this.  I’ll hug his sons and weep with them.  I need to do that.  I hate this war that taught me how to love a man I didn’t even like then took him away from me. 

Guess I’m just a dumb-assed kid.  Western didn’t wake up this morning.

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